Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Biobots are Back

The Sri Lankan biobot weevils are back, attacking our swamp hibiscus plant just as it prepares to show off its scarlet flowers. The weevils are making their way up the plant, chewing scallop holes into the leaves and attempting to violate the nascent blooms by burrowing into the pods, which causes the pods to tighten up and refuse to flower. We first saw this plant in a south Florida swamp--they are impossible to ignore when in bloom. A nice one (above) burst open this morning, but there may not be many more.

This weekend we brought in an environmental scientist from the CIA to see what, if anything new, could be done. What we know is that these pesty weevil bastards are white, just about the size and shape (but certainly not the cuteness) of a lady bug. They have no natural enemies, probably because they are not really organisms but rather are biobots engineered (by Sri Lankan terrorists) out of some neo-organic material that must have no taste at all (and may well be poisonous since even our koi will not eat them, and koi are not exactly discriminating eaters). Some people fear that these robobugs are part of a new and still mostly unpublicized terrorist campaign to disrupt food supply around the world. Our scientist friend confirmed some basic facts but would not elaborate, and at times the weight of the world appeared to rest on her shoulders. She did confirm that the bugs were totally gross, which may portend, like, serious consequence for sure.

The biobots are programmed to appear hopelessly stupid--they allow themselves to be captured and will happily crawl around on your hand, or they might take flight and buzz around in the air and then land back on your hand, like a pet eager to learn new tricks. Brilliant, right? To get rid of them we could fire bomb the back yard and turn everything to a white ash, or we might build an earthen berm around the property and submerge everything under water for a few years. Instead, we've decided to bring in a certified weevil wrangler from Phoenix next month. His methods are secret, possibly mystical. No matter--I just hope the plants can survive until then. Our Turks Cap is also under attack, and it concidentally also has a nice scarlet flower.

Meanwhile, the koi have accepted me back into their confidence. (They are whores for frozen peas.)


  1. Yes, I am coming with some really bad JUJU for these small, rotten, slimey, evil lil suckass bugs. I only ask that you clear the backyard for a few hours, remove all the small children and wimpy assed females because the eradication process will bring tears to a turnip!!!
    The Phoenix Eradicator

  2. The small children can be removed at least.